A youngers man's Classic Style and women

[Warbaby]

"Be true to your own act and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant to break the monotony of a decorous age."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[Real Swell Gal]

If you like the way you're dressed and feel confident that will radiate to the people around you.
Never change who you are to suite someone else. It's just not worth it.
And they're not worth wasting your time on if they expect you to.

This above all: to thine own self be true.

 

[Dr Doran]

Well N., I can say that when I was 21 I wasn't able to pull off the suit and tie thing too well. Now it's second nature.

But you pull it off well. If you hang out in a scene that appreciates well-dressed people, your chances of meeting girls are better. There is an already existing Mod scene. It doesn't hurt to have a tentacle in that scene. Mod girls like a man in a suit. Bowler derbies too. And they listen to cool music like ska and soul. You already know soul music quite well, so you have a natural entree.

Before I got married, I made sure I knew several scenes. For one reason or another, it was the death-rock girls who liked me the most. I am really not sure why. (Maybe because there weren't many completely straight men in that scene and they saw me as an exciting novelty.)

 

[i_am_the_scruff]

I look different, though not in a vintage way. I'm 18 and in July it will be my third year anniversary with my boyfriend. And let me tell you, the internet is a great thing. Where I was living before, very few people were into the same things as me, and I never went out. And one day I got a message online by a nice looking guy. We got talking, spoke quite often, eventually met up a couple of times and then he asked me out.

Maybe you could use the internet to find people into the same things as you and you can make a friendship that could possibly turn into something more?

I have a few friends, but I never see them as they live quite far away (I moved a year and a half ago) and since I've moved i've not made one friend. So I kind of know how you feel. I think some people are intimidated by how I look, but also because I don't drink I think alot of people see me as no fun before they really know me.

When I go somewhere, my dress is usually commented, but then the people find that I´m quite normal.

Same here.

 

[Edward]

1] - The clothes thing - be who you are, do your own thing. If a girl turns you down on the basis of how you dress, it's unlikely you would have had that much in common anyhow - see it as time well saved.

2] - The 'nice guy' thing: this happens a lot of us. Either you become the sort of man the girls all want to date (the bad boy type), or you're the nice guy. I don't see any way out of that myself, but hey..... I refuse to adopt some macho idiot stereotype. I've met a few women in the last few years who had obviously had enough of the bad boy thing and would have been prepared to settle for me, but I've long since developed more self respect than to be the 'settle-for.' [huh]

 

[fortworthgal]

I agree with what Real Swell Gal said, and could not have said it better. You should not change who you are for someone else, and if you like what you are wearing and feel confident in it - by all means, embrace that!

Regarding the "nice guy" thing - I don't have any real advice, except to say that there truly are women out there who like nice guys (myself included). I've never understood the "bad boy" thing. I prefer nice men and always have. There are women out there who find good manners and nice clothes sexy!

I have been interested in vintage since I was a teenager. I would occasionally style my hair 1940s when I was in high school, and I loved reading old magazines and watching old movies. However, I grew up in an extremely rural area, and nobody wore vintage, or suits and hats. "Dressing up" was a pair of starched blue jeans and non-muddy boots. lol

If I'd seen a guy dressed like any of the Lounger men when I was a teenager, I probably would have been in a lot of trouble.

 

[Ben]

It sounds like there are two unrelated things going on in your original post.

Like everyone else said, you should dress the way you like and be true to yourself.

As for the motional crutch thing -- that is more complicated, but without knowing anything more than the one sentence it is hard to tell what is happening.

What is the real problem there? Are you not able to date the girls you want? Do you find you are becoming the friend of girls you want to date?

Take this for whatever you think it is worth, but here is some mild dating advice.

People, men and women, are the same. They like the idea that someone wants to spend time with them. So, if you want to date someone, ask them out, as MagistrateChris said.

But when you do it, find someone you like, ask them out on something that is clearly a date and have a plan.

In other words, don't ask something like "Do you want to get coffee sometime?"

Ask instead, "Would you like to go to Trader Vic's this Friday for Pina Coladas, and then we'll head over to the Four Seasons for dinner and finish the night Stompin' at the Savoy?"

You are much more likely to get a yes because the lady in question will know it is a date, there is a time and a plan, which means you actually thought about what would be a good time. People like it when you plan, it shows you care.

Then, once you are out, it will probably not go according to plan. That's okay as long as everyone is having a good time. The plan can change, and spontaneity is good.

But the people you ask out need to know it's a date and not just friends getting together. Trying to be her buddy to sneak up to a romance is not fair, because you come in with different, and maybe even underhanded expectations.

It also can get you put into that friend category, where you have to listen to stories about her other dates.

If girls are trying to turn you into that for whatever reason without actually being your friend, don't let them. End the conversations where they go on and on about their boyfriends and relationships. Don't give them opportunities to turn you into just a sounding board. It is not fair to you.

Sometimes you need to be a little direct about it, and it won't always be the "nice" thing to do, but both of you will be happier having the types of relationships you want rather than the ones you fall into.

That's enough of my dissertation.

Bon Courage!

 

[metropd]

It sounds like there are two unrelated things going on in your original post.

Like everyone else said, you should dress the way you like and be true to yourself.

As for the motional crutch thing -- that is more complicated, but without knowing anything more than the one sentence it is hard to tell what is happening.

What is the real problem there? Are you not able to date the girls you want? Do you find you are becoming the friend of girls you want to date?

Take this for whatever you think it is worth, but here is some mild dating advice.

People, men and women, are the same. They like the idea that someone wants to spend time with them. So, if you want to date someone, ask them out, as MagistrateChris said.

But when you do it, find someone you like, ask them out on something that is clearly a date and have a plan.

In other words, don't ask something like "Do you want to get coffee sometime?"

Ask instead, "Would you like to go to Trader Vic's this Friday for Pina Coladas, and then we'll head over to the Four Seasons for dinner and finish the night Stompin' at the Savoy?"

You are much more likely to get a yes because the lady in question will know it is a date, there is a time and a plan, which means you actually thought about what would be a good time. People like it when you plan, it shows you care.

Then, once you are out, it will probably not go according to plan. That's okay as long as everyone is having a good time. The plan can change, and spontaneity is good.

But the people you ask out need to know it's a date and not just friends getting together. Trying to be her buddy to sneak up to a romance is not fair, because you come in with different, and maybe even underhanded expectations.

It also can get you put into that friend category, where you have to listen to stories about her other dates.

If girls are trying to turn you into that for whatever reason without actually being your friend, don't let them. End the conversations where they go on and on about their boyfriends and relationships. Don't give them opportunities to turn you into just a sounding board. It is not fair to you.

Sometimes you need to be a little direct about it, and it won't always be the "nice" thing to do, but both of you will be happier having the types of relationships you want rather than the ones you fall into.

That's enough of my dissertation.

Bon Courage!

I think you are 100% correct. I think it may be my fault. I would try and ask would you like to(insert generic thing to do at a nonspecific day at a nonspecific time) type question and we end up becoming friends. I guess if I was more direct I would have a better chance. I posted this when I came home completly "wasted" from a bar and was not using the best logic. The clothes are most likley not the problem as many times it attracts people to create conversation and attracts genuine and passionate people to be around me. The fedora and suits have become me, so I am very confident and comfortable in them. I just have tell women how I feel and where I would like to go in a relationship rather than expecting some magical force to turn friends into something serious.

 

[Paisley]

I don't think the problem is that friends can't become lovers--it does happen. Rather, if someone isn't into you, you'll know sooner if you ask her on a date instead of some friendly, daytime, Dutch treat outing.

 

[skyvue]

My clothes are natural and who I am that is why I just can't change even though some times I think about it. I become close friends very quickly with women rather than being in a relationship. That is the issue, I don't wan't to be one of the girlfriends.

I'd recommend trying to adopt a different viewpoint in this area.

I had many female friends in high school, college, and young adulthood. Yes, it was frustrating at times that I struggled to find a romantic partner, but I wouldn't trade those friendships for anything in the world. I'm still close pals with many of them today (I just turned fifty).

What's more, the things I learned from spending time with those gals have made me a better man, a better friend, and, my 26-year-old wife assures me, a better husband. My wife tells me often how different I am from the guys her age. That's in part, I'm sure, to me having matured a bit (I ought to have, by this time), but it's also thanks to the lessons I learned from having so many female friends.

It needn't be either-or. Having lots of female friends will in no way prevent or preclude you from finding a girlfriend or wife, and it might even help. After all, those friends may well have friends who are looking to get fixed up with a nice guy.

 

[Ben]

Not to be argumentative, but I think Metropdhas tried the 'friends first' and 'better man' route and found it not working.

Friends to lovers can happen, unless she gets tired of waiting for the kiss that never seems to come and goes looking for someone else because she thinks he's just not that into her.

Two people are involved here. I mean a girl shouldn't have to wait around trying to figure out if he really likes her.

The other thing I would say is that asking someone out is not an all or nothing proposal. You can ask someone out on a date, have a good time, and not have it lead to marriage. You go out on a date, see if the chemistry is there, and if it's not, but you still like each other, you can still be friends.

Sometimes, I think we make relationships and dating too high stakes. It's okay to have a couple of awkward moments and laugh about them as friends later.

 

[Dr Doran]

I hear and respect what you are saying, Skyvue. And surely you are making very correct points. I will only say this to perhaps clarify the issue as I see it.

Women can mentally put a man in the category of "just friends." If a man is interested in being, or eager to be, more than a friend to a woman (in this age in which women and men CAN be 'just friends' and it is not considered weird) sometimes he needs to make sure he does not frustratingly slip into the mental "just friends" category in her mind.

My brother and others have told me how annoying it can be to find yourself in that category. I have experienced it too. While it is certainly true that sometimes you can then develop a good friendship with this woman, it is also true that it is very frustrating if you have more than friendly feelings for her, or find her uncomfortably attractive.

It is up to you (although of course it is she who makes the choice as to whether to accept you). If you find that what you really want is not to be her Platonic friend but to have a romance with her, and that is what you really, really want and you are not indifferent about this desire, then naturally you want to make sure that she does not (under an automatism based on some past categorization system) put you into the "just friends" category. In this case, a detailed date is a great idea.

Or so it seems to me, and that is how my wife and several other women have explained it to me.

I believe that is Ben's point.

 

[Mary]

I'd love to date as you do in the US! Here we only hook up on the dancefloor or on after-parties.

There really shouln't be any problem's for you. Just ask some girl out. But I understand if no one has seen you as boyfriendmaterial it can be hard to see it oneself. I didn't know I was hot until I was told.

I like to ask people if I can see them especially if I just see them in the street. You're paying them a compliment and you're beeing sweet. Nothing to hard and nothing to be embarassed about.

Best of luck! M

 

[alexandra]

Honestly, I'm in my mid20s and girls love a good suit tie look on a guy. I think maybe its just your age bracket. Once girls are out in the real world, a well dressed guy that can joke and dance basically can get his fill of anything

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Teenagehood is an uphill battle and anyone who's got something weird about them (which is everyone) has to suffer through it. Some of us just wear our eccentricities on our sleeves (fedoras). Once you're old enough and reach the crest of the hill, everything changes as long as you leave the high school crap in high school behind where it belongs.

Most people forget that everyone they know in high school is struggling too. Everyone has their own drama and once they get away from it, they finally start to form their own opinions and thoughts and personalities. That's why university students are so annoying.


Also as I have said many times- I do not believe in any rules relating to "nice guys". I kind of think it's a cop out.

 

[CharlesB]

THe best thing to remember in this world is this:

Whatever it is you want...TAKE IT BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU DESERVE IT

 

[Spiffy]

I really don't think you should worry re: attitudes of girls towards suits. In high school, I dated a guy who (at our normal, suburban school) dressed as a pirate everyday. I've also dated someone who had to wear a giant giraffe costume at work, and a boy who liked to wear his Gaston costume from our spring musical offstage for giggles.

Surely, there is an equally weird girl out there for you (not that you're weird or anything....). Think of your style as a way to attract like-minded people, and I bet you'll find someone with an equally retro mindset soon enough.

 

[Rittmeister]

To thine own self be true

No greater words were ever said or written. Perhaps this is one of life's greatest challenges. If you compromise who you are in order to fit in or meet what you think are someone else's expectations of you (in work, love or anywhere), you will ultimately not be happy or fulfilled. Check out "What You Think of Me is None of My Business" by Terry Cole-Whittaker and her other books. She makes the point that no matter what we do there will always be someone to criticize us. Once we accept this fact, we are free to be ourselves and do what we believe to be right (while of course not doing harm to others). It is part of building the thick skin that we need to survive while here on this planet. If clothes help, then so much the better. Clothes are an extension of our personality and are thus another tool that we use to project ourselves, stake our claims and otherwise interact with others. Joseph Campbell once said that one has to be a hero to lead an ordinary life. Heros used to have horses, armor, weapons and squires to help them. We have our clothes and other accoutrements. Use them all on your own hero's journey.

 

[Herr Hitman]

I think it would inhibit me greatly if I didn't already have a girlfriend who was into the same stuff as me.

I say, don't lower your standards though. They can take a flying leap if they don't accept you for the way you are.