My noir short story is complete for anyone who wants to read it :)

[NicolettaRose]

Clearly she meant "a complete DRAFT."

It is rather unrealistic to expect a young (see her photo) writer to pull out a finished Nabokov, and it is hardly encouraging to such a writer when one is not somewhat careful about how one expresses critiques.

I teach undergraduates ... but these things are obvious and should not require teaching experience to figure out.

Exactly! That's why writers write, and editors edit. I showed this to a couple of people from my former writing class in college, and most of the critique was about the plot, characters, what they wanted to see, what I should take out. When you are creative, and a writer, your mind moves at a million miles a minute( I think I type about 80 or 90 WPM haha) and you are just thinking about getting the story out and on paper. Like I said, I read it, and yes, there were a few mistakes, but it wasn't like every other word was spelled wrong and all the senteces were ongoing and incoherant.

 

[carebear]

Nicholette,

Not to jump on the bandwagon, but if it was typed into a word processing program it is easy enough to run the spell/grammar check prior to posting it for reading. That way it would be less distracting to read and allow readers to better comment on characters, plot and structure. With modern technology there's really not a lot of excuse for blatant errors.

Writers have a responsibility to proof their work prior to submission. Editors are supposed to be addressing larger issues than the correct spelling of "pilot".

Doran,

Blatant spelling or grammatical errors weren't accepted in submitted drafts when I was in high school, much less in my college-level creative writing classes.

I am not trying to be mean but this draft would be returned ungraded by every English teacher I've ever had, throughout my education.

 

[Jack Scorpion]

That's ok. I don't mind if ONE person tells me about grammer, but to have 5 people? I think its just overkill....Like I said, I have a couple of friends who love editing and will do that for me...

People LOVE editing? Freaks.

I'll read it when I'm off work. One note on spelling : I've known a Doherty, but not a Dougherty. Does it get spelled both ways or are you freestyling?

 

[NicolettaRose]

People LOVE editing? Freaks.

I'll read it when I'm off work. One note on spelling : I've known a Doherty, but not a Dougherty. Does it get spelled both ways or are you freestyling?

I think there are a hundred ways of spelling it....There are a couple of people I know with the last name spelled like this, there is also that actress Shanon Dougherty.

 

[KittyT]

I'll read it when I'm off work. One note on spelling : I've known a Doherty, but not a Dougherty. Does it get spelled both ways or are you freestyling?

As someone who lives in a city full of Irish people, I can say that it definitely gets spelled both ways! Often, the omission of the G in Dougherty is an Americanization of the name. This was common when paperwork was processed as immigrant families arrived in the US.

 

[NicolettaRose]

As someone who lives in a city full of Irish people, I can say that it definitely gets spelled both ways! Often, the omission of the G in Dougherty is an Americanization of the name. This was common when paperwork was processed as immigrant families arrived in the US.

Isn't the OU often Scottish as well?

 

[Paisley]

Spelling Bee

Loungers and grammatical errors are like bees and flowers. If you find one of the grammar bees on you, hold still and it will go away. I've seen a few agressive grammar bees around here in the past, but I don't think most of the bees here mean to sting you.

I'd take a look at your story, but I can't see MySpace from this computer.

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

Loungers and grammatical errors are like bees and flowers. If you find one of the grammar bees on you, hold still and it will go away. I've seen a few agressive grammar bees around here in the past, but I don't think most of the bees here mean to sting you.

Or if you aren't able to hold still, spray some Spellchecker on yourself and they'll pass you by without landing.

 

[carebear]

Or if you aren't able to hold still, spray some Spellchecker on yourself and they'll pass you by without landing.

:eusa_clap

 

[Travis]

I haven't had a chance to sit down and read the story yet, but as someone who tends to find errors in published works that others just skip over, I'll print it out and read it later tonight with a pen in hand and if you would like I could send you back some editing suggestions as well as any plot and/or character suggestions I may come across. If you'd rather the editing be left to others, please let me know, and I won't help.

 

[Feraud]

Would someone just read the story already?! lol

You guys are all on the wrong website. There must be an Editor's Lounge around here somewhere..

 

[Paisley]

Politics, Religion, and ... Grammar?

We've had a few grammar threads on the FL before and they always turned bitter. I think the bartenders should consider banning them, just as they did with politics.

 

[Zig2k143]

We've had a few grammar threads on the FL before and they always turned bitter. I think the bartenders should consider banning them, just as they did with politics.

You should see the vegetarians and the meat eaters go at it on health forums... You'd think they were talking about religion or politics...

 

[NicolettaRose]

:eusa_clap

I did spell check the story, did you even read it??

 

[Orgetorix]

I'm not commenting on the story or on NicolettaRose's writing; I haven't read it yet. But spell-checkers cannot do the job of a human being who knows the rules of grammar, usage, and style. There's a poem I saw floating around the internet once that would pass a spell-checker just fine, but nearly every word in it is wrong.

Nobody should rely on a spell-checker alone, and no writer should expect an editor to bring their work up to the level of someone who has a proper grasp on the English language.

As an aside, I will admit that some people, myself included, find it easier to comment on things we do understand--like grammar and spelling--than things we don't--like the ins and outs of plot, pacing, dialogue, and whatever else makes a good writer good.

 

[NicolettaRose]

But the point of the post was to get feedback on my story. All some people pretty much did was just sit there and go " the grammer is bad", and then repeat it over and over, which is really rather redundant and pointless. Saying it once should have been enough. Obviously if I was submitting this piece to a publishing house, it would have been throughly edited and polished, but this is my first draft, I just finished...so please, unless you have something to say about the actual story, characters, plot etc, please don't mention again what has been already beaten to death...

I'm not commenting on the story or on NicolettaRose's writing; I haven't read it yet. But spell-checkers cannot do the job of a human being who knows the rules of grammar, usage, and style. There's a poem I saw floating around the internet once that would pass a spell-checker just fine, but nearly every word in it is wrong.

Nobody should rely on a spell-checker alone, and no writer should expect an editor to bring their work up to the level of someone who has a proper grasp on the English language.

 

[pretty faythe]

As for the color scheme, if you look, red and black is the color scheme she has chosen for her other blogs as well, not just the story, so be nice and hush. Red and black rule, those were my high school colors. Go Wild Cats!

Back to the story. I don't know much about noir, the only thing I have to go by is the movies I have seen, and it seems that it could be a bit darker.

There also seems to be a few spots where it seems to be a bit slow, which is a bad thing for a short story. Just don’t ask me to pin it down for you, cuz I couldn't do it. It might have been at the Bobs Big Boys scene, and the ending did seem to lack a bit of a bang.


I am just giving you this advice from the point of an avid reader, nothing more, and nothing less.

 

[Jack Scorpion]

Would someone just read the story already?! lol

You guys are all on the wrong website. There must be an Editor's Lounge around here somewhere..

FL seems to have enough of the literary sorts to harbor discussions like this. However, everyone is bogarting NicolettaRose's thread to do it. A separate thread might be a good idea. But I ain't a grammar nazi, so don't look at me.

 

[carebear]

I did spell check the story, did you even read it??

Yes I did, but, as has been said, reading is more difficult when errors keep popping out distracting from the story itself. You need to watch the "your" / "you're" switch and possessives, as well as capitalization within sentences after dialogue. That's something spellcheck misses and why a hand proof is always necessary.

I understand the need to get it all down while it's flowing, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that before anything is described as a completed short story (not draft) and is offered for examination on story and characters, or posted for folks to read and enjoy, it should be thoroughly proofed for basic spelling, grammar and usage issues.

I don't want to sound like Mr. Super-Critical but I take writing, and reading, very seriously. I don't claim to be an expert, so if errors are noticeable to me they are usually pretty obvious.

Here's my subjective take, which is worth less than you paid for it ...

It wasn't bad for a first draft of a first story. I'm not sure I'd call it "noir", there wasn't that sense of moral ambiguity and complexity of plot I associate with the genre. It was also very straightforward for a crime story, there was no real tension or "mystery". I didn't form any sort of bond with any of the characters. Also, the opening sentence/paragraph didn't really "hook" me.

Every story has something in it waiting to be brought out. This one probably needs more refining, especially if the PI character is to be recurring.

 

[The Captain]

Show some sympathy

I can sympathize with anyone who puts words to paper and then throws open their metaphorical-trench coat and flashes those words for all the world to read. I guess the saying, "All the worlds a stage" should have the tag line, "And the audience is made up of a million critics!" Yes, her story has its' faults, but at least she is making an effort to create and I think we all should show some encouragement. After all, we are a family, aren't we?

Here, for your "slice-and-dice" critiques, is the opening paragraphs of a short story I wrote a few years ago. I had no outline, no pre-conceived idea where it would lead, I just wanted to see if I could "bring it all together" at the end. I think I did.


Tiki Noir

© RG Cardella 2004

The sun was slowly extinguishing itself in that liquid morass we call the Pacific. My shirt collar, that had been trying to decapitate me for the last three hours, was finally drawing blood. At least that’s what it felt like. I hoped that it was sweat I was feeling trickling down my spine. My feet felt like I had been walking around in Hibachi pots. As I stumbled down the street, mentally beating myself about the head and shoulders for being such a fool, I saw in the distance a sign that there was a God after all. Or should I say Goddess? The neon-rendered hula dancers gyrated around a trio of palm trees, as the words, “Tiki Bar”, apparently made from neon bamboo, blinked on and off in some arcane code.
Like a man finding an oasis in the middle of the desert, I lunged into the cool, dim interior. Stumbling up to the bar, I grabbed hold of the smooth edge and stood there for a moment or two to get my bearings. The place looked like it was right out of an episode of ‚ÄúHawaiian Eye‚Äù. There were Palm trees and the walls were covered in some woven material. Carved Tikis were everywhere in all shapes and sizes and from speakers hidden in the d?©cor came the haunting sound of Martin Denny. It sounded like a song called Lotus Land, one of my favorites.
A man in the most brilliant Hawaiian shirt ever made, floated up to the bar and said, as all barkeeps do, “What’ll ya’ have”? “What’ll I have”? I wanted to say some relief from this nightmare that has been plaguing me for weeks. I wanted to say how tired I was of this .45 automatic hanging like an albatross under my coat. That I wanted to feel the sand between my toes as I watched the surf break on some distant beach. Most of all I wanted to forget…her. That I would see her again was inevitable. That she would be the death of one of us was a given.
“A Mai Tai. Yeah, that’s what I’ll have, pally. And keep ‘em coming”.