Clean Jokes

[BobHufford]

 

[Frunobulax]

I posted this in one of the Coronavirus threads, but it likely goes better here.

 

[BobHufford]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[tonyb]

True story ...

Checker at the local supermarket last night, the store with all those empty shelves —

“Did you find everything okay?”

 

[Zombie_61]

View attachment 220263

Well, now we know what you would do for a Klondike bar.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[BobHufford]

That is how "steal" is spelled around here...

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[HoosierDaddy]

 

[Zombie_61]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[GHT]

What could possibly be funny about a global pandemic that has altered the very fabric of our existence, in one fell swoop shutting down everything we hold dear, from sports to movies to music to the very notion of human interaction? How could anyone possibly write jokes at a time like this? But in times of crisis, when we are frightened and don’t know what the hell is going on, we’ve historically turned to comedy. Comedy, as frivolous and inessential as it may seem, is humanity’s free coping mechanism, a medium that both distracts us from the horrors of the world while allowing us to get our best and worst thoughts out of our heads and off of our chests.

So for all those toilet roll hoarders, look away now.

**************URGENT RECALL******************

Supermarkets are currently recalling toilet paper as the cardboard roll inserts are imported from China and there is strong evidence the cardboard has been contaminated with the coronavirus.

The most recent purchases are deemed the most likely to be contaminated.

If you have recently bought bulk supplies you are strongly advised to return the toilet paper and apply Deep Heat directly onto your anus to kill any infection. Don't wait until it's too late.

 

[3fingers]

View attachment 221886

My wife and I were just talking about this.
My grandparents were largely self sufficient. Very little needed to be bought from a grocery store to get by as far as food went.
I have tried to generate interest in doing similarly on a smaller scale with little success.
Today she brought the idea to me.
Ideas are sometimes very similar to farming and gardening. You can only plant the seed and wait for the result.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Foreman and trainee laying carpet.

Trainee: "Foreman, here's big bulge in the carpet. How I get rid of it?"

Foreman: "Hit it with the hammer, couple of times!"

Shorty after, the misses comes into the room.

"Gentlemen, have you seen my golden hamster?"