Clean Jokes

[HoosierDaddy]

????...??

 

[Zachary]

????...??

I’ll try to put Trenchfriend’s joke across to you in a comprehensible shape.

Two women in East Germany are pegging out the washing on the line.
One of them says:
“Did you hear, Mrs. Meier? There’s sunshine predicted for tomorrow!”
The other one answers:
“Who cares? I’ll certainly not be queuing up just for that!”

The background of this joke is the typical East German disabundance. News about freshly arrived goods like oranges or bananas spread like wildfires and soon there were long queues, with only a few lucky ones in the front getting a small portion of this “luxury”.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Oh...I see. Thanks

 

[Turnip]

 

[LostInTyme]

I found a new beverage. It is named, simply, Affirmation Wine. It lists 15% alcohol by volume. The more you drink, the better you feel about yourself. It's like a participation trophy for adults.

 

[Trenchfriend]

"What do you hear, when you hold a Döner Kebab to your ear?"

"The silence of the lambs..."

 

[Turnip]

„What would you do if a bear attacks your wife?“

„Nothing! He picked the fight, now he‘ll have to shift for himself.“

 

[Zombie_61]

„What would you do if a bear attacks your wife?“

„Nothing! He picked the fight, now he‘ll have to shift for himself.“

Does a bear shift in the woods?

 

[Frunobulax]

Does a bear shift in the woods?

I've never seen a bear drive a manual.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Benny Holiday]

If he nicks himself, he's gonna be grizzly. Like a bear with a sore head.

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Zombie_61]

 

[Turnip]

 

[LostInTyme]

 

[Trenchfriend]

Wow, I found out, that after shave is for face, too!!

 

[Zachary]

Wow, I found out, that after shave is for face, too!!

A classical from East German comedian Eberhard Cohrs.
And another classical that positively does not work in any language other than German.

To clarify: "After shave" is short for "after shave lotion" or "after shave balm", while the word "after" itself also is the German word for "anus."

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Thanks of the translation, Zachary....

 

[Zachary]

A snowy landscape in the winter, somewhere in Minnesota.

A pink Mini Cooper slowly maneuvres along the highway. In front of it, there's a lorry truck driving through the snow.

Both vehicles enter a small town area, and soon there's a red traffic light. The lorry stops, and aft of it, the pink Mini Cooper as well.

A blonde woman steps out of the Mini, goes to the lorry's driver side, and knocks at the side window.
The driver winds down the window, and the woman starts saying:
"Hello, my name is Susie, and I'd like to tell you you're losing payload."
The driver shakes his had, winds the window up. The light turns green, the lorry goes ahead, and so does the woman's car.

A few hundreds of yards later, there's another red traffic light again.
Occurs what has to occur: The woman goes to the lorry driver and says:
"Hi, my name is Susie, and I'd like to tell you you're losing payload."
Again, the driver shakes his head, and continues his trip.

Finally, they arrive at another red traffic light.
The woman goes ahead to the lorry driver, but before she can say anything, the driver, having turned the window crank, tells her in a very sonorous voice:
"And my name is Richard, and I'd like to tell you I'm salting the highway."

 

[Turnip]